A Week of "Fishing"

My marriage disintegrated about a year and a half ago and the last eighteen months have been spent alone with my boys. Conversation that consists of polysyllabic words and doesn't involve plot lines from Clone Wars or Thomas the Tank Engine was starting to feel as lost as the holy grail. At the urging of several friends who undoubtedly were tired of hearing me whine, I decided to start dating again.

Not being a fan of the bar scene, my options for meeting eligible bachelors are fairly limited. So in a moment of not so quiet desperation, I signed up for an online dating site. I picked the one that claims to be just like the fancy expensive one, just free. Let's just say the old saying is true. You get what you pay for.

The first interaction I had was a twenty-seven year old. His profile picture showed him hunched over a video game controller with a look that said, "I am concentrating really hard". The email  he sent was short, sweet and to the point.

"I hope you will message me back. I really love older women."

For all you twenty something men who are using computer dating sites in the hopes of reenacting the show Cougar Town, I have a few tips for you. First of all, the only thing that Courtney Cox and I have in common is that we both have an immature ex-husband. Second, do not use a picture that says, "I live with my mom". Third, and this is a big one, do NOT under ANY circumstances refer to us as "older women". You will NOT, I repeat, NOT get laid. It just lets us know in advance that you have mommy issues.

Bachelor number two was a forty one year old soldier who was originally from a west African country. At first he seemed nice, and incredibly polite. Then we went on our first date. We met in the parking lot of a local strip mall with the intention of going for coffee. Upon meeting he asked if I would like to go to dinner. (Dinner at a real restaurant? Without my kids? Let me think about that for a minute. Sure!) Over dinner it began to get creepy. He started making plans for trips he wanted to take me on. It was the day before Thanksgiving and he asked me what I wanted for a Christmas present. Needless to say, as the evening went on, more and more warning bells were going off in my head.

The next day I got a text message from him. He called me Shannon. For the record, my name is Sharon. I even have a signature line on my text messages with my name on it. Not to mention that I had told him what my name was in an instant message before we even met in person. Here's another dating tip. Calling us by the wrong name under these circumstances says that you really aren't paying any attention to what we say. Needless to say, bachelor number two was kicked to the curb.

Then there was bachelor number three, a forty five year old insurance salesman with two daughters. His profile indicated that we had similar interests, so when he sent me a text asking if I would like to meet for coffee, I agreed.  I was about fifteen minutes away from Starbucks, so I suggested meeting there.  He told me to meet him at Arby's.

I am a coffee snob. The fact that I suggested Starbucks should have indicated this. Arby's, while being a place to get decent fast food, is not really noted for it's excellent coffee. To make matters worse, he ordered himself a large coffee, and a small for me.  For the next two hours, he talked at me. Once in a while I did get a word in edgewise, but then he would interrupt me to show off his knowledge on the subject at hand. When I said I was looking at a new net book, he responded that what I really needed was a laptop. Funny how he knew this without even knowing why I had made my decision. On and on this went until I finally had a chance to excuse myself.

Later that day I received a text message telling me how we had such fantastic chemistry. "Were we on the same date? Because I was thinking if I had to wake up next to you every day, I'd put a bullet in my brain." was my response. Needless to say, I didn't hear from bachelor number three again. Thank goodness.

The next morning, I deleted my online dating profile. Maybe my standards are too high. Maybe I'm looking for something that doesn't exist. However, I got enough experience dating in that week to hold me over for quite a while. In the meantime, I am brushing up on my Clone Wars and Thomas plot lines.